Thankfullness

Last night, or early this morning I should say, I was pretty down and lonely.  Well, I’d like to respond to my last blog.  I am very thankful that I have a mother who is letting live in her house rent free.  I’m thankful that I have a roof over my head.  I’m thankful that I’m not sleeping on the floor because I have a twin size bed that my father so graciously provided for me.  I am thankful that I a group of friends that is so loving and caring.  I definitely couldn’t ask for better.  I am thankful that I have family who has been supportive and loving.  I have so many places to call home because of my friends and family.  I am thankful for God’s blessings in my life, and all my loved ones lives.  At times I let my emotions get the better of me, and I start to feel sorry for myself by seeing what I don’t have.  However, what I do have is so much more important.  I love all of you dearly and thank God everyday for you!  I know that God has amazing plans for my life.  If I am to be alone, then so be it.  I’ll journey down whatever path God has for me.  Blessings upon all of you on this day of thankfulness!

Lonliness

The holidays are always a hard season for me.  I begin to evaluate my life every year around this time.  Well, this year I’m feeling extrememly lonely.  I know that I said that I’m ok with not being in a relationship.  At times I really am.  Other times it hits me really hard.  I haven’t been in a relationship for 5 years.  I’ve only been in 2 real relationships.  When I evaluate either one, I realize that they weren’t much of a relationship to begin with.  Jason never really cared about me.  I was someone who was here right now, while in the mean time he had someone he really cared about elsewhere.  Vance used me because  I was a safe place to come home to.  The sad part is, I let both of them set the foundation of relationships that meant nothing.  I myself gave so much of myself that I had no identity beyond them.  For the longest time I was either Jason’s girlfriend or Vance’s girlfriend.  I was never just me.  I regret that now.  I look at my life at this point and time and can’t help but think that I’m 25, living at my mom’s, with this future that is so unceartain.  When I walk into my bedroom I see a little twin size bed and mementos from my high school years.  The room screams alone!  I’m so sad about this most of the time, but I attempt to hide it.  I wish I wouldn’t have to feel this.  Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with God is supposed to grow before I meet someone.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m meant to be alone.  As of now, I can really see myself as the crazy cat lady down the street.  I’ve been saying that for years.  Is is because of the way I look??  Well if that’s the case, I don’t know that I would want anyone who couldn’t accept me now, but could accept me at a smaller size.  I’m afraid I will still be alone at 30.  I’m 25 and only have 2 relationships to speak of.  This really saddens me.  No matter how much I say I don’t care, or I’m happy alone, there is a voice that reminds me of how miserable I am.  It’s funny because the part of the bible I’m reading is 1st Corinthians where Paul speaks of not marrying and how it’s so unnecessary.  Is this a sign?  Am I to really be alone forever?  The problem is that I don’t think I am made to be alone.  And while I know I should trust in God, my spirit is very low.  I feel so unworthy.  I suppose 5 years and 2 nasty relationships will do that to you.  All I want is to be loved, and to love someone in return.  And maybe I’m being selfish.  Maybe I don’t see the big picture.  But, if you’ve never been alone like this, then you don’t know how it feels.  I’m so happy for those of you who have found love and are content.  But a huge part of me is jealous.  That is the last emotion I want to feel towards any of my loved ones.  Unfortunately I feel powerless.  I’ve been praying for love for a long time.  I guess it’s not my time.  I just don’t feel like this is a good enough excuse anymore.  I feel so immature, and this is one reason why.  I can’t make it in an adult relationship.  I’m jaded, and scared to be hurt.  I don’t feel that any man has my best interest in mind.  I don’t feel that any man could love me.  I feel worthless, hopeless, and insignificant.  This is what lonliness feels like for me.

My new schedule!

Today I finally got a hold of my advisor!!!  Yea!  I’ve only been trying for the last 2 weeks.  We had a meeting to find out what classes I would have next semester.  I went back to work at the library and got set to register for the classes.  I signed up for Accounting 2, Astronomy with a lab, Business communications, and last but not least, Philosophy 301 which is ethics on death and dying.  Well to my surprise, I can’t find Philosophy 301.  I decide to call the philosophy dept. to find out what’s going on.  Next thing I know I’m speaking to Laverne who is the secretary of the philosophy dept.  She informs me that this class is no longer available because the professor retired.  She then transfers me to professor Acton who is the head of the philosophy dept.  He tells me that the class is not even scheduled for next year.  Ok, here’s the problem.  This philosophy class is a core requisite!!!!  What do I do if I can’t take it???  So, he tells me to call my advisor again who is named Diane (for future reference).  Well, Diane tells me to call Mary, who is the secretary of the Health Administration dept.  She tells me that I can use a different class to replace Philosophy 301.  It just so happens that I took Philosophy 115 and that will be adequate.  Ok, here is where I’m confused.  First off, a secretary is telling me what I’m supposed to use to replace a class.  Shouldn’t that be something my advisor does?  Secondly, a 115 class replaces a 301 class?  I didn’t get it, but who am I to argue when I’ve already taken 115!  One more class down!!!  So then I call Diane back and tell her what Mary said.  She tells me that she will call me back and let me know what class I should take so I have at least 12 credits.  When she does call me back she says that she decided she wants me to take HADM 460!!!  460!!!!  It just so happens that Diane herself is teaching this class.  Also, to take the class, you need to have all these prerequisites which I don’t have!!  However, she feels that my previous grades are good enough to get me into this class, and hey she’s the professor!!!  Then I ask her if this is a required course because I don’t want to take something that I don’t have to.  She says that it’s not, but it will fit into my restricted electives.  Ok, here is my problem with all of this.  There is a part of me that feels obligated to take the class beings as she is my advisor and the professor of the class.  If I don’t enroll she’ll know!!!!  Then there is the fact that it is a 400 level class which is a class a junior or senior would take!   She thinks I’m ready to take the class because of my previous grades.  What she doesn’t know is that I’m not making the Dean’s list this semester.  I highly doubt she’ll give me any special treatment.  Plus, and this is what really makes me mad, I could have done an easier class for a restricted elective!  So I’m a little frustrated.  But, I know that I’ll make it through this.  I just need to pray and ask for guidance in this.  So there ya go.  I’m enrolled another semester! 

My question of the day

Do you think it’s right for someone who does not have the same spiritual beliefs as you to try to point out holes in your beliefs that could potentially destroy your spiritual foundation?  Here’s what happened to me the other day that makes me ask this question.  I have a friend in college who is really unique and just can’t help but debate with people (remember I said debate).  She happens to be a Wiccan, and while I have witnessed to her in the past (she seemed to be very receptive at the time) she has decided to stay Wiccan.  So it’s gotten to the point where we are both accepting of each other and realize that we are different in our beliefs.  So after class I updated her about what was going on with the new bible study I was attending and etc.  I was really excited and really wanted to share this with people.  She is completely involved in what I’m telling her and she’s telling me just how happy she is for me.  Then it gets ugly!  She decides to tell me about this movie that she had watched.  I guess this movie or documentary had this guy asking questions about the christian faith.  Why is there so much time that is historically unaccounted for?  Saul turned into Paul!  Why are people speaking of things in the first testament that had to of happened in the second testament?  Why can’t christians answer these questions?  Why does Jesus model other gods from Greece and ancient times?  So most of these things she is saying are going in one ear and out the other because I’ve already established that she is trying to get into a debate with me.  But the question that gets me is this one (and the smile on her face still makes me mad).  Why don’t christians question and think for themselves?  Ok, I realize by this time that I can’t stop this argument that is brewing and I begin to try to diffuse the situation by telling her that I have my beliefs,  I don’t have all the answers, and I’m really not listening to her.  Yes, I did tell her that I wasn’t really listening.  Anyhow, I begin to realize a pattern here with her and I.  She says these types of things about my faith every time I am excited and energized to be a christian.  So I call her on it.  I tell her that I am feeling attacked and don’t appreciate it.  She then informs that she is testing my faith to see just how much of it I have.  EXCUSE ME?!?!?!  I’m aware of only one person who has the right to test my faith and that’s God.  She asks me if I like not thinking because that’s exactly what I’m doing by just accepting what I’m told.  I told her that of course I have questions that neither I nor anyone else I know can answer.  But, the important thing is to have faith and believe.  She is still not accepting this though.  So I tell her that as of right now, I’m completely comfortable with what I do know, and I don’t NEED to have all these questions answered just to believe.  Well basically that is the gyst of what happened.  A little more heated though because I honestly felt attacked and a little persecuted for having these beliefs.  I guess I don’t feel that someone should come at me like that and deliberately point out every hole there may be in my spiritual foundation.  I don’t go up to her and tell her that her Wiccan beliefs have all these holes in the foundation and she is setting herself up for a visit to hell.  But the whole thing made me think.  Is that what christians do while they are ministering to people?  Do we point out holes in other people’s foundations?  I can honestly say that I have never attacked another person’s belief.  I have only spoken with them about the wonders of God and my faith.  What they hear about my faith is what leads them to disbelieve their current spirituality.  So no, I don’t believe it’s right to maliciously destroy someone’s spiritual foundation.  I don’t believe that ministering to someone is doing that.  I am not calling out there faith and pointing out the holes.  I’m only telling them about mine!  So what do you think?

Let ‘er rip!

So, I’m constantly being told to start a blog from various people, no names mentioned to protect the innocent of course!  Well here is my go at it!  I decided to start writing because, well, I have too many voices in my head to keep it all in.  I’ve been through a lot in my life! Hence the title!  I am currently going through big changes as we speak, so once again the title comes in handy.  I plan on being completely, brutally honest about my life and feelings, so to my family and friends, I really hope that you accept the words I type as my life.  I’ve begun my journey as a christian once again.  You may be asking “What does she mean by once again?”  Well, I’ve been a pretty lame christian lately.  I wasn’t praying, reading my bible, going to church, well basically anything that resembles being a christian.  I’ve come to the conclusion that this has to change.  Better yet, God came to that conclusion for me.  Basically, I had a shit or get off the pot moment.  He kept giving me opportunities to come to Him.  Finally, I listened.  Well, to be perfectly honest, it just kinda fell in my lap.  So, now here I sit, on a life-changing journey.  I’m excited, scared, anxious, nervous, beautifully happy, and currently content.  I’m more than likely going to a Campus Crusade conference in Portland over New Years.  I’m very excited about that, but also scared!  I’ve never done anything like this.  But, I know that it will be a life-changing experience that I can’t miss!  I’m also single.  And let’s face it, pretty lonely.  I actually have been single for 5, yes that is a 5, years!!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  Ok, I feel like that sometimes, but mostly I’m ok with it.  Actually the thought of dating or getting into a relationship scares the crap out of me.  I feel so out of the dating loop that I have no idea what the process of dating is!!  Pathetic? Maybe.  But like I said, I’m ok for now.  And yes, here is a brutally honest moment.  I have a substance abuse problem.  Wow, I just put that out there for everyone to see.  I realize that some of my family is aware of this (and have been very supportive), but admitting this to those people who maybe didn’t know is what’s scary.  It started when I was 20.  Yes I’ll say 20 because any drug use before that was completely recreational, and I never felt like I NEEDED something.  I am now 25, and hardly a day has gone by that I haven’t been on some substance.  I am reading this back and I realize how sad that sounds.  But honestly, I haven’t wanted to feel for a long time.  I mean honestly FEEL.  Something, anything.  I would rather be numb.  That way, being sad, lonely, depressed or whatever feeling I could have wouldn’t be so bad.  Then, I had my shit or get off the pot moment!!!  (That moment is affecting quite a few aspect of my life!)  Well, thank God.  I realized that I couldn’t continue to feed my flesh wants.  I WANT to have a clear head.  I WANT to be free.  Well, I’m having a hard time with it of course.  I’ve prayed a couple of times today because the temptation was almost too much.  But I’ve made it through today.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I know I’ll make it through that one too.  So this will be the gyst of this blog.  My journey through thick and thin.  I want my family and friends to know that you are all very dear to me, and I am truly sorry if the way I have led my life has caused any of you pain.  I know that I will come out of this a better person and a better friend.  So enjoy my journey, because I know I will!

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