Let ‘er rip!

So, I’m constantly being told to start a blog from various people, no names mentioned to protect the innocent of course!  Well here is my go at it!  I decided to start writing because, well, I have too many voices in my head to keep it all in.  I’ve been through a lot in my life! Hence the title!  I am currently going through big changes as we speak, so once again the title comes in handy.  I plan on being completely, brutally honest about my life and feelings, so to my family and friends, I really hope that you accept the words I type as my life.  I’ve begun my journey as a christian once again.  You may be asking “What does she mean by once again?”  Well, I’ve been a pretty lame christian lately.  I wasn’t praying, reading my bible, going to church, well basically anything that resembles being a christian.  I’ve come to the conclusion that this has to change.  Better yet, God came to that conclusion for me.  Basically, I had a shit or get off the pot moment.  He kept giving me opportunities to come to Him.  Finally, I listened.  Well, to be perfectly honest, it just kinda fell in my lap.  So, now here I sit, on a life-changing journey.  I’m excited, scared, anxious, nervous, beautifully happy, and currently content.  I’m more than likely going to a Campus Crusade conference in Portland over New Years.  I’m very excited about that, but also scared!  I’ve never done anything like this.  But, I know that it will be a life-changing experience that I can’t miss!  I’m also single.  And let’s face it, pretty lonely.  I actually have been single for 5, yes that is a 5, years!!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  Ok, I feel like that sometimes, but mostly I’m ok with it.  Actually the thought of dating or getting into a relationship scares the crap out of me.  I feel so out of the dating loop that I have no idea what the process of dating is!!  Pathetic? Maybe.  But like I said, I’m ok for now.  And yes, here is a brutally honest moment.  I have a substance abuse problem.  Wow, I just put that out there for everyone to see.  I realize that some of my family is aware of this (and have been very supportive), but admitting this to those people who maybe didn’t know is what’s scary.  It started when I was 20.  Yes I’ll say 20 because any drug use before that was completely recreational, and I never felt like I NEEDED something.  I am now 25, and hardly a day has gone by that I haven’t been on some substance.  I am reading this back and I realize how sad that sounds.  But honestly, I haven’t wanted to feel for a long time.  I mean honestly FEEL.  Something, anything.  I would rather be numb.  That way, being sad, lonely, depressed or whatever feeling I could have wouldn’t be so bad.  Then, I had my shit or get off the pot moment!!!  (That moment is affecting quite a few aspect of my life!)  Well, thank God.  I realized that I couldn’t continue to feed my flesh wants.  I WANT to have a clear head.  I WANT to be free.  Well, I’m having a hard time with it of course.  I’ve prayed a couple of times today because the temptation was almost too much.  But I’ve made it through today.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I know I’ll make it through that one too.  So this will be the gyst of this blog.  My journey through thick and thin.  I want my family and friends to know that you are all very dear to me, and I am truly sorry if the way I have led my life has caused any of you pain.  I know that I will come out of this a better person and a better friend.  So enjoy my journey, because I know I will!