Lonliness

The holidays are always a hard season for me.  I begin to evaluate my life every year around this time.  Well, this year I’m feeling extrememly lonely.  I know that I said that I’m ok with not being in a relationship.  At times I really am.  Other times it hits me really hard.  I haven’t been in a relationship for 5 years.  I’ve only been in 2 real relationships.  When I evaluate either one, I realize that they weren’t much of a relationship to begin with.  Jason never really cared about me.  I was someone who was here right now, while in the mean time he had someone he really cared about elsewhere.  Vance used me because  I was a safe place to come home to.  The sad part is, I let both of them set the foundation of relationships that meant nothing.  I myself gave so much of myself that I had no identity beyond them.  For the longest time I was either Jason’s girlfriend or Vance’s girlfriend.  I was never just me.  I regret that now.  I look at my life at this point and time and can’t help but think that I’m 25, living at my mom’s, with this future that is so unceartain.  When I walk into my bedroom I see a little twin size bed and mementos from my high school years.  The room screams alone!  I’m so sad about this most of the time, but I attempt to hide it.  I wish I wouldn’t have to feel this.  Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with God is supposed to grow before I meet someone.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m meant to be alone.  As of now, I can really see myself as the crazy cat lady down the street.  I’ve been saying that for years.  Is is because of the way I look??  Well if that’s the case, I don’t know that I would want anyone who couldn’t accept me now, but could accept me at a smaller size.  I’m afraid I will still be alone at 30.  I’m 25 and only have 2 relationships to speak of.  This really saddens me.  No matter how much I say I don’t care, or I’m happy alone, there is a voice that reminds me of how miserable I am.  It’s funny because the part of the bible I’m reading is 1st Corinthians where Paul speaks of not marrying and how it’s so unnecessary.  Is this a sign?  Am I to really be alone forever?  The problem is that I don’t think I am made to be alone.  And while I know I should trust in God, my spirit is very low.  I feel so unworthy.  I suppose 5 years and 2 nasty relationships will do that to you.  All I want is to be loved, and to love someone in return.  And maybe I’m being selfish.  Maybe I don’t see the big picture.  But, if you’ve never been alone like this, then you don’t know how it feels.  I’m so happy for those of you who have found love and are content.  But a huge part of me is jealous.  That is the last emotion I want to feel towards any of my loved ones.  Unfortunately I feel powerless.  I’ve been praying for love for a long time.  I guess it’s not my time.  I just don’t feel like this is a good enough excuse anymore.  I feel so immature, and this is one reason why.  I can’t make it in an adult relationship.  I’m jaded, and scared to be hurt.  I don’t feel that any man has my best interest in mind.  I don’t feel that any man could love me.  I feel worthless, hopeless, and insignificant.  This is what lonliness feels like for me.